I’ve spent every day for the past month anticipating today, dreading the same  moment in time of that day, when I realized something wasn’t right and panic set in. I’ve worried, let the thoughts antagonize me. I’ve feared my heart will crumble and that I will become the paralyzed shell of a body that I lived in for months. Last night my daughter text me and asked if her and her friend could take me to dinner, I picked them up dinner instead and on my way home I promised myself I’d be okay, at least for her.

I feel like this year has lasted a lifetime but there are some days it seems like everything happened just yesterday. My memories haven’t faded, for brief moments my heart still hurts daily and my soul, well, it is tired. I pray for peace and contentment, I pray for forgiveness every time I wish it were me that had been taken and then I find myself apologizing to Troy out loud for wishing this life for him. I know he is in a better place, happier than this world could ever make him. That is where I find some peace.

Guilt is a fickle emotion that creeps up often, like fear, both make moving on feel like punishment at times. People ask  me often who I am dating, they say they heard I was out dancing or someone saw me at dinner with a guy. That’s when it really hits,  the guilt of building a new life, the fear of people’s judgment for it, and wondering if I am disappointing God, his family or our friends. Truth is, I have dated, told that no man would be okay with a photo of Troy hanging in my living room or reminders of my “ex” on his birthday. Maybe those things are true, maybe they were just made up to justify breaking what part of my heart I had put back together. In any event, I’m not sure it matters… there isn’t a guide that I’ve found to make my situation easier, no secret rule book for widows and no magic wand to change my past. Every night I pray for my future, not for someone to love me but that I’m prepared if by chance it were to ever find me again, prayers that God has prepared someone to have a heart like that of Jesus, that is just for someone like me and if that isn’t the case,  my daughter never forgets how Troy set the bar for her to know how a girl should be treated.

I know I have said this before but I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason. I find it so hard to believe that a God who loves me so much would essentially punish our family with tragedy and even harder to believe it has a purpose. Things happen. I guess the real test of our faith is how we choose to live afterwards. I don’t claim to be perfect or to know the next steps but I spend my time talking to God hoping my choices are good for us, good for Him.

Death has changed me, changed all of us. I’m not the same woman I once was, I love harder, forgive easily to avoid losing people I love and given the chance I’d take all the pieces of my broken heart to repair any one of them. I may never share the rest of my forever with someone and that’s okay, I was someone’s forever and that is good enough for me.

Today is the day. The first anniversary of the day our world was shattered, our lives turned upside down and our hearts torn apart. One year ago we woke up, left our home and went to work, just like every other Monday. One year ago, one of us never  returned and the other came home, but forever changed.

 

Everyone says people grieve in their own way and no two people are the same, I suppose that is true. I wish it weren’t, I wish grief came with an owner’s manual on how to live your life after someone is taken from us here on earth. I feel crazy some days, replaying our ten years together, replaying our last days in the hospital, replaying the day before the accident. I know I’ll never have an answer as to why he isn’t here with me. I know he would be if he could.

As time passes I want to believe this will get easier, not just for me but the brothers, his dad, the three girls…for everyone who loved Troy. It hasn’t, but I hope it does. I find myself with little sleep and my mind wandering constantly. I pray constantly that God lets Troy know I miss him and I love him. There isn’t an hour that passes I don’t think of him and hope that God lets him check in on me. I beg at night when I am laying in the kitchen floor with tears flowing that Troy will come to me in my dreams when I fall asleep. As I was there the other night on the hardwood, remembering us cooking, just leaning on the counters talking and Troy telling me I love those pants as I grabbed a pan from under the stove, I reached for my phone to answer a text. The forward facing camera was open when I unlocked the screen and I caught my reflection, I’ve aged so much in the past three months but surprisingly I don’t even care. I snapped the photo and saved it so hopefully my future self can look back and see how far I’ve come. I hope that day comes.

 

I have a million questions for God, a million things I still want to say  and I’d give my last breath for just one more kiss. I am lost without Troy, completely lost. When I went to lunch with friends on Friday we talked about them not imagining what this phase of life is like. Matter of factly one said “it is because most people don’t have someone to love them like you loved each other” and we all fell apart a little, maybe a lot. I hate this life without him here, I needed him and I feel like I failed somewhere. These things may sound crazy, I know, but silence is deafening and grief with loneliness causes your mind to question anything and everything you thought you knew to be true.

The reality of this being my life now has hit me harder lately as I seem to be coming into a reality void of Troy’s presence instead of walking in a fog of disbelief and shock. I don’t know where our family goes from here, it’s just the two of us in this home and I’m trying to be the best I can for Amaya. This, I’m sure is my purpose now. I see pieces of Troy in her, seeds he planted in her heart and I am forever grateful that she was  loved so much. Please know as you read this, our worlds have been rocked and I am just being very honest and as raw as this pain remains. That pain is not just emotional and mental but physically tolling.

Todd asked me the other day what I thought Troy would want me to do in this time. I know he would want me to miss him, cry for him and love him out loud. For how long? I don’t know, at least forever he would probably say with a slight laugh from behind a fist  covering his mouth. I saw a photo he had sent me when Rory, half of Joey and Rory, changed his name to just Rory Feek, it had been years since Joey from that duo had passed and he just wrote “heartbroken” when he sent it. I’m so glad that we got to meet them, see them sing a few times and follow their story together. I remember us crying when she passed and then again when we watched To Joey, With Love. I cherish those times because I know Troy connected to their love story on a level most men would never even bother acknowledging. Those are the things that make my heart physically ache, knowing in my lifetime that kind of love was so brief.

Life goes on. So will I.

My faith has been shaken, my heart is shattered in more pieces than I think I will ever be able to collect and put back together and most days I feel like I died, they just forgot to bury me.

 

 

 

This morning when I was getting ready and I couldn’t decide if I should wear my emerald green coat or the new cape my brother had sent me, I thought of you and even glanced at my phone laying on our bed. Morning routine of sending a quick picture of my   outfit for the day, may seem weird to some people but it is what we did and I miss it. I miss the compliments sent back and the weather updates that came because you had left long before my alarm. The morning of your accident you text when you knew I’d be waking up to tell me I love you, have a good day and that the windshield was icy and it was cold outside. Today I worried about your opinion on a coat that I didn’t even need because it was anything but chilly when I went to get in my car. I thought of you.

Monday is always a busy morning with court that lasts until lunch then usually a “how is your day text?” from you that would lead to a phone call instead of a text reply from me as I drove from the courthouse to my office. Today was my first day back in Family Court and it lasted well past lunch and I looked down at my phone often to see your face on my wallpaper but no text. I looked at it again when I got in my car angry that I couldn’t call to tell you that it was mentally exhausting and I was, by that time, very hungry.

I tried not to cry as people said they were glad to see me and offered encouraging words. Sadness filled my heart for a colleague as we talked during a short break and she told me she was sorry she hadn’t reached out,  how she had been in and out of the hospital with her husband who had been very sick. He is getting better though and I can’t tell you how fast my heart filled with happiness for her when she gave me the good news. Thoughts of you in the hospital flashed through my mind and I could see her sitting like I did, in a chair that you pretend is comfortable because you don’t want to leave the side of your loved one, and then my heart hurt for her and her reality these past few months.

Later, I laughed with your brother when he came to help me this afternoon with a project  at the house. We thought of you as he kept saying “Did Troy do this?” or “you know this is going to be heavy?” and I replied yes every time. Finally I said you know your brother was not going to pay someone to do these things so the answer is always going to be yes and I know it is heavy or complicated because I helped him. Weekend projects were our thing and I miss that as my thoughts reflect back on all that we’ve done in ten years. Our home wasn’t our dream home and we were always looking but I suppose I may live here forever because it is where my thoughts of you resonate most with me. The landscaping you loved to work on, your bourbon bar cart, king size bed, the big tree you planted from a sapling you pulled up in the woods while we were on a walk and bike rides or runs around the neighborhood loop. I suppose some of those things can be moved but I know it wouldn’t feel the same.

My thoughts are never far from you and I don’t know when or if they ever will be. I am in no hurry for them to change, even though after the smiles the tears come. Sometimes I wonder if it ends, if at some point I don’t look at the rooms in this home as empty, I stop checking my phone for texts that are never coming,  the anger from not being able to ask you where you put something that I can’t find or when something needs to be fixed…. my first thought isn’t of you.

We made it.

Christmas is over, the gifts and gatherings, the family photos without us together, without you.  Amaya and I went on our first solo trip, a plane and different country, without you. We made it.  I thought getting away would ease some anxiety from our normal family traditions, apparently that is just geography though, the feelings and pain were still there and as real as ever.

We met a nice family from Quebec, their french speaking daughter and Amaya became fast friends. We took pictures for each other to have as souvenirs, smiling when I needed too but laying on a beach chair with an empty one next to me while the kids played on the beach most mornings and one day spent a full day at the water park. Amaya played at the small park at first, like always but eventually got the courage to move up to the big slides with her friend. She froze at the top and after fifteen minutes she made her way down a green and white twisting tube into the pool. Eric, her new friends dad had been at the top encouraging her to go down while his daughter went over and over again. Later that night Amaya said that was when she missed you most.

On Sunday I found a sports bar and we sat down to watch the Browns game. I wore my favorite hat and Amaya wore her Browns shirt featuring the Elf. As I sat there waiting to see highlights and scores a guy walked up and asked if anyone was sitting in the chair next to us and as he sat asked if we were from Cleveland. I explained my husband was from Marion and he started talking about real estate in that area. I said well we are fans of all things Cleveland and The Ohio State. He agreed and I said O-H, of course he responded accordingly and then casually mentioned he played for Ohio State. Amaya and I quickly looked at each other and then as I looked back up the words came out “wait. The Ohio State?”  He nodded and said The Ohio State, and picked up his phone, I thought the conversation was over but then he passed me his phone and showed me himself and his brothers player cards and started talking about who he had played under. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him if he would mind if I took a quick picture to share with your brothers because they wouldn’t believe me if I told them. Every. Single. Day. I pray for something to let me know you are near. This was the first time in a long time I’ve been so excited I didn’t cry. So I sat and watched football side by side until the Browns won and I was satisfied you’d be happy if you were there.

It was hard to see the families getting away for the holiday.  I guess not many people travel just parent and child. Every one asked where is your husband? Only two? No bodyguard? I could see the anxiousness in Amaya’s face, waiting for my reaction each time. Deep breaths as tears filled my eyes and I moved the conversation along.

I face timed and text with family throughout Christmas. They missed you too. I know they were thankful for gifts I had left and that I was able to call.  Not without crying but nonetheless, I made it. Amaya opened a few things in a stocking Christmas morning as we watched the sun rise and then I smiled as I gave her the Carrie Underwood tickets we had ordered back in August, we knew she would be excited from the moment You Can’t Cry Pretty was released, and she was. How ironic that our favorite song of the year would be the most telling of the days ahead?  Mom text often and eventually with a text that read “did you have a good day?” and without me thinking,  I responded: I just have days, but I made it so… I followed that quickly with pictures of Amaya in hopes she wouldn’t worry. I guess the waves of emotions throughout my day don’t let me really classify a day as good or bad.

I could see you on the beach chair with your freckled skin, one arm tucked behind your head and a cold drink in the other. I could see you at the top of the slide sternly telling Amaya she had to go down until she did then the excitement on your face because you knew when she got to the bottom she would go over and over again. I could see you in the sports bar cooly chatting with Justin Gwinn about football and real estate, never showing that you were excited to have that conversation. I could see us with family as we opened gifts and made jokes with each other. I could see you everywhere and yet I couldn’t.

It was hard coming home and I shook my head as I pulled into an empty driveway, knowing this wasn’t like one of my business trips where you’d be waiting for me. Knowing I’d fall asleep alone or with Amaya next to me and never have to move her for you to lay down for the night. I pray I fall asleep quickly each night and that God lets you know how much you are loved, I guess I really want Him to know how much it hurts us that you aren’t here. I pray that throughout my day I’m able to sense your with me and that at night you’ll visit my dreams and they’ll be vivid enough for me to remember when I wake. I don’t wish my time with Amaya or family away but every dawn that comes I’m thankful I’m another day closer to seeing you again…. and that we made it.

I would trade all of my tomorrows for one yesterday. I’ve thought that a million times the past couple months. I miss you so much, I look for you constantly. My head hasn’t convinced my heart you’re never coming back, I suppose. I want to see your hazel eyes and for you to be whole again, making jokes and plans with me.

I feel like I failed you and it is shattering to my soul. I know you’re in a better place, but I suppose I’m selfish and feel like God didn’t trust me enough to take care of you here on earth. I am so sorry.

I went to the MSU game with Joelle and after home to watch the Browns without you, they won and there’s a plausible chance to be a wildcard, it’s crazy huh? I found Todd and Stacy together and drove into town to give high fives, I know you’d be happy rubbing your hands together quickly before clapping with a “woooooo” following. Days that I get out of the house to see family and friends lead to emotional highs and lows following it. I’m overwhelmed with guilt you weren’t there with me and then the sadness breaks my heart. Some days the loss hurts and the other days… it hurts worse.

Christmas is coming and we are leaving this weekend to spend it somewhere else instead of here, without you. Amaya seems happy to go somewhere. She hasn’t asked for much, an ohio state pullover and a tumble mat. She still seems to believe so we put up a cheap 3 foot tree, decorated it with the handmade ornaments we got as a wedding gift so I didn’t have to get in the attic for boxes and Elfie could come back. I panic sometimes because I’m afraid I’ll forget to move it and you aren’t here to move her while getting ready for work, before we wake up.

I miss our life. I miss you. I guess this is my new life, missing you constantly. I try to only think of all the goodness that you brought to us, with that comes regrets and I should haves. I heard you up the morning of your accident, I should’ve gotten up too. I wish I had. I wish I had just one yesterday. When I’m around the ones we love, friends and family, I pray they are holding their love a little tighter. I find myself looking at people hoping one day they don’t have to say “I should have”.

You’re with the Son of God, with the Prince of Peace, you’re with the one we’re celebrating and that thought amazes me”  – Where You Are, Craig Aven

I want to love that song, I know the people who have sent it or shared it with me want me to love it.  I want to be the person in the song who is so full of hope and joy that you are with Him, but the truth is I haven’t found that kind of solace. I’m so filled with hurt and overwhelmed with sadness at the emptiness that fills our house. Memories flood my mind with every move I make, I am so angry you aren’t here. I can’t bring you back and that has left my spirit broken.

I know I’m not the only one who has ever lost their husband and I don’t want to be bitter as I go down this grief paved road but it feels so dark and long some days. Comfort isn’t found in any words or gifts, so for now I’ll be here hoping throughout each of my days I feel some sense of you.  I pray often for you even though you aren’t here, maybe I’m really praying for myself. I cry when I remember times I should’ve said I’m sorry but you never held me to it. I’m angry when things break and I have to make decisions or learn to fix them without you. I smile at pictures until the tears fill my eyes. My heart is full of so many emotions, but mostly it is filled with jealousy. I’m jealous of Jesus.

 

 

This past weekend, Thanksgiving, well it left me feeling less than thankful. I know I shouldn’t say that but I am just being honest and I doubt anyone who has lost their other half could say any different so soon. I spent all weekend in the house, reading messages from people who have good intentions and looking back through texts. I watched the video of you kissing me when I asked at the hospital. I’ve felt every emotion possible at this point; angry, bitter, sad and all around hurt. I’ve asked why a million times. I am not sure I believe everything happens for a reason, no one could show me the reason behind this tragedy.

I have been told at least a hundred and one times that I will never find someone to love me as much as you did. I KNOW. I know. Maybe that is why my chest physically hurts when my heart beats, maybe thats why with every deep breath I feel nauseated, why I’m devastated.

Yesterday I went to share a photo that was in my memories, not one of us, just me at the gym. I rolled my eyes when I first saw it but then I read the comment from you and the tears came flooding. I know in all of our time you were my biggest supporter. Hell, you were my proof reader, photographer, videographer, and most importantly my biggest fan. I saw that throughout our texts over and over.  In our ten years of marriage we have had a few bumps but mostly ups, ones that far outweighed the lows, this past summer was a struggle but we were wading through the muddy waters and as I reflect on our long weekend away before your accident my heart feels like it has been physically ripped from my chest. This was it, we were still going to be the couple people gagged at or rolled their eyes at, teasing out of jealousy or in awe. I remember screaming that in the car on the way to the hospital that night, after I finally got to a nurse who would only say “sweetie, he needs you to get here, just get here quickly and safely”.

I’m not sure where to go from here. Eventually, I’ll return to my office, to the gym, to our friends and family. For now I sit and talk to you, trying to memorize every detail and crying a lot. Brother Ricky called last night to check in and in our conversation he said that he hadn’t found a person that didn’t tell him how much you loved me, he said that you would want me to be happy because of that love and I quickly replied that you would want me to cry first, and probably a lot for you. He did chuckle at that but it is true, and I am here, crying desperately for you. I hope you feel that and I hope you hear me when I talk to you. I hope you know that I’ll forever be your biggest fan.